My house,for the very first time,is overflowing with people.Too many have gathered here, today to celebrate my parents’ 50th anniversary.I ,amidst celebrations,found a corner to creep out my soul’s silent weeps inside the walls of my heart.
As I watch a few children playing carrom ,I travel down the memory lane,to repicturise and scrutinise the life,which I’ve barely lived so far.
I zoom in a single, red carom coin ,that is constantly getting attacks from all the four sides .My eyes blurs out there and time takes me aback , pushing me into that familiar emotional breakdown,which visits me often like a new lover.
Here are my mind’s silent screams
(ONLY TO YOUR EYES )
They say , everyone in this world is an art created by God.Do you believe you are one ?I believe Iam an art,a modern art,that has weird combination of colours thrown out here and there without any care and effort.You should look into me for details .Shown to you are the hints that hints about me.
I literally mean it
Close check me
My eyes are not exactly eyes, after the accident.Faded out colours and blurred out images are the flimsy films shown by my eyes.That accident has smoked a tons of cigarette in my blissful breeze.My ears have become an worn out old television that only makes faulty noises,most of the time.The most awesome awfulness is that I have a brown brown lightning, frozen in my face,bridging from eyebrows to the edge of my lips. ( a friendly embroidery,the doctors have made )(I mean,a stitch mark ).My left leg sometimes has ‘starting troubles ‘ because, ‘that heavy metal thing ‘is in love with my knee.They feel disturbed,when I get up.(Lovers are the worst ones,you can be with.They annoy you so much )
Yeah,Your mind picture is what Iam.That accident was an unannounced tsunami that gulped my life and drowned me in a sea of helplessness,awfulness,emptiness and what not.I caged myself behind locked doors and felt like a funny clay doll made by a kid in the country streets.But then,I started training my mind and brain that Iam no less to anybody and tried walking in the rays of confidence .Insults and enquiries were the outcomes and not self confidence and self love.People interview me in the most embarrassing way,thinking they are exposing their sincere concerns over me.AAghh ! Funny people!
My mother has tried a lot of methods and narrated so many stories to make me feel normal.But ,Isn’t it ridiculous to decorate curd rice and call it a briyani?That was what she tried doing.Poor old mommy !
But,I should really take pride in saying,Iam always the centre of attraction.You know,wherever I go,people look at me like Iam a walking circus.
When girls of my age,hanged out with friends,I was a desperate girl who hanged out with her own insecurities and inferioties at her pocket.When youngsters of my age fell in love,I fell as a prey to the never ending nauseatic way,leading me nowhere .I got sick of people,in a way no human would get.Family picnics were the times where my family members take sides and make a debate on me,regarding my treatment,marriage,misfortune etc.pufff ! The affectionate ones,they call themselves.What a paradox !HaHa
But to be frank,I’ve never tried suicides.Everytime,when the thought of killing myself comes to my mind,that horrible day (where the accident took place ) comes along with it.My mind screams in a soothing voice “You,silly fool,If there was a day,that changed you completely,there will again come a day,where the present changes “Then my entire system switches to normal mode.
Yeah,I am a torn soul seeking and hoping for a day to come with a needle in its hand.
The sudden joyous scream of a 11 year old boy brought me back to reality.The carrom coin which I once witnessed getting attacks is now in his hands,in his warmth,in his love ‘s clutch.He kisses the coin with so much passion,forgetting its previous unseen wound and continues to play.
Iam a drug addict and my drug is hope 🙂